Doing things differently since 1984

When It All Goes Down

It seems like everyone is preparing for the worst these days.  It used to be Nuclear Holocaust; then it was Y2K… Now everyone picks their own little camp, whether it be Zombie Apocalypse, or asteroid collision, or 2012 Doomsday, or the Rapture, or total economic collapse, or massive environmental disaster, or any number of other theories.  I figure that, surely, with all those possibilities out there, some cataclysmic event has got to take place.  Which makes me wonder…. How will people of different professions and specialties fare when it all goes down?

In case you haven’t noticed, I’m really quite a fan of lists and tables.  So, to be true to myself, I’m going to rate how well I think someone would do coming from a life of training and experience toward America’s 10 most common jobs:

1.  Retail Salespeople. 

SURVIVAL RATING: Moderately bad.

Not to be confused with Cashiers (see next), retail salespeople often work commission, and so would immediately lose their income when it all went down.  Primary skill tends to be people-pleasing – not useful for zombies.    
Positive points: Depending on what they’re selling, they could have an excellent source of supplies.

2. Cashiers.

SURVIVAL RATING: Moderately bad.

This one’s a little tricky, because most cashiers I know don’t exactly base their lives around their job.  Still, they tend to work in populated places (bad for zombie/disease outbreaks), and are likely find themselves on the front line when crime spikes. 
Positive points: They’re used to being on their feet, and have cash register access for funding their flight to safety.

3. Office clerks.


I make myself a little nervous here, because this would be the category I fall under.  But I mean, let’s face it… Microsoft Office isn’t going to do you much good when you’re setting up a wilderness camp.  
Positive points: With the amount of time we’re able to spend on the internet, we may be one of the first to know something’s coming.

4. Food preparation/service.


Not to be confused with waiters/waitresses (see below), these would be like fast food workers.  Again, this job is a little tricky because it pulls in every sort of person.  It’s the isolated late nights that makes this one dangerous (because everything freaky happens at night, right?), as well as exposure to more germs than I want to think about. 
Positive points: These guys (and gals) see all kinds of people; survivalist instincts get honed on an almost daily basis. 

5. Registered Nurses.


If they didn’t collapse due to stress as hospitals overflowed with the dead and dying, these men and ladies have got it made.  They’ve got the vaccines, the wound treatment, basic medical knowledge, as well as the excellent job security in any kind of crisis.  Heck, they handle crises every day.
Positive points: If you’re not a nurse, get to know one before it all goes down!

6.  Waiters and Waitresses


This is another one of those jobs that tends not to define a person, so it can vary a lot.  However, anyone even somewhat successful at this picks up some pretty decent survivalist skills: multi-tasking, complex memorization, and not having your head explode when idiots are barking orders at you all day.  They probably won’t keep their jobs, but if they had to go on the run, these always-on-the-go people might have an OK shot at survival.
Positive points: If I were one, I would already own a gun.

7.  Customer Service Representatives


I’ve got to hand it to this group – they’re not likely to be in their job for any reason but the money.  And they might be excellent marksmen in their free time.  However, as far as the job goes, you’re not going to learn a single thing that will help you survive when it all goes down.  I mean, the phones aren’t even likely to still be working.
Positive points: Script reading may be excellent practice for New World Order.

8.   Material Movers


OK, so they might not know how to apply a tourniquet, or know the difference between a broken ankle and a sprained one, but if the world suddenly descended into chaos, I’d like to be in the group with the ones who lift heavy stuff every day for a living.  Let’s face it – strength matters.
Positive points: Good for fights; general intimidation; getting the job done; carrying your dying body to a hospital (if you’re an office clerk, like me).

9.   Janitors


These guys have it worst when it comes to working in creepy places alone at night.   That’s probably why they tend to be the zombies in movies.  Still, for some reason, most janitors I’ve known have a lot of general basic knowledge about handyman and outdoor stuff.  I wouldn’t elect them leader, but I have a feeling they’d do OK, if they weren’t already zombies.
Positive points: Hands-down winner in hide-and-seek.

10. Stock Clerks


I’ve got to admit, I’m kind of shooting in the dark here, because I don’t think I’ve ever known any stock clerks, nor very much about what they do.  So I’m going to bump their rating one-up from an office clerk because warehouses at least get them away from city centers.  Of course, if they’re working in, say, a weapons factory, their rating may change.
Positive points: Not as lame as office clerks.

So, there you have it.  I’m not going to say that this rating system was highly technical or mathematical, but if you’re wondering what career to pursue (not mine), or what friends to make (not me), you just might find it useful.  I’m not going to entertain any particular conspiracy or doomsday theory… but it can’t hurt to be prepared.

9 comments on “When It All Goes Down

  1. Moon Under Water
    February 18, 2012

    Thanks, really enjoyed this.

    Surely Ash from Evil Dead would fall under either cashier or retail sales (he worked in a hardware store), and he took a pounding through three of those movies!

    But ya, the poor janitors have it bad every time…

    • abtwixt
      March 5, 2012

      Thanks, Moon Under Water 🙂 This is the factor that makes retail/cashiers hard to rate…. it’s hard to put a pawn shop guy next to an insurance salesman!

  2. aFrankAngle
    February 23, 2012

    First-time visitor via Randel. Thanks for the fun read.

  3. cynicaldriver
    February 23, 2012

    Great post! So all I need to do now is befriend a large male nurse… I don’t know any material movers, so if the nurse is strong enough, I won’t need to.

    Also, it’s nice to see I’m not the only one who doesn’t take myself so seriously all the time.

    • abtwixt
      March 5, 2012

      Ha – I love it! Male body-building nurse. Perfect.

  4. hunterhawke
    February 29, 2012

    Love this! Got a good chuckle out of it. Though I wonder….what about bankers or CEO’s? 🙂

    • abtwixt
      March 5, 2012

      The bankers and CEO’s? They’re stuffed, unless they can buy their way out of certain death. 🙂

  5. steverusuk
    March 5, 2012


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This entry was posted on February 17, 2012 by in Humor and tagged , , , , , , , .
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