Doing things differently since 1984
For a long time, I used to wish that life came with a remote-control. You could pause it, rewind it, see what would be on next… it’d be so cool. But then Hollywood had to go and make Click, and my little fantasy was shattered forever. So now, I’m going to move on and wish that life was like a video game. And before you say it, yes, I know that Hollywood has already looked into this one as well. And lots of other people have written about it. But these are my own original thoughts, so I’m going to plug my ears and pretend I live in a non-reality bubble….. like a video game!! And, in fact, that is an excellent start for a list:
1. The World Would Revolve Around Me
It’s no secret that video games are a platform for people to live out their unattainable fantasies, so it should be of no surprise that in practically every single one of them, the star of the show is you. This could be because you are playing your own character who gets to win the day, or because you’re micromanaging an entire population of people. Either way, it’s about time people realize that you’re the most capable person around!
Yes, Autosave. Man, if life came with an Autosave function….. Imagine the possibilities! Redo that last turn that was an endless traffic jam. Go a different way and avoid that awkward conversation. Take whatever risks you want. Of course, if you try to consider the ensuing time-differential mess from everyone having autosave, you might think it’d not be such a good idea. Thankfully, it’s a video game, which, as previously discussed, revolves around me and me alone.
Yes, quests! Give me quests! You’ve got to admit, life gets awfully tedious when your “quest” every day is, “Don’t be late for work. Keep self fed. Make pile of laundry vanish.” Do video game heroes ever have to deal with that? No way! They’re way too busy tracking down Sir Furrowedbrow of Guildtown to see where the demons have gone. And then — here’s the best part — the quest can be COMPLETED! Done forever. I would love it if I woke up every morning to some parchment reminding me of the one meaningful task that I needed to do to get closer to my ultimate goal of whatever.
4. Level Up
I think this is a case where video games are trying to represent a real-life concept (practice makes perfect), but they make it WAY better than real life. Because, seriously, I would love it if I was having a super-tough day at work, with piles of paperwork and pushy bosses, and in the middle of it after I got some task done I got an email saying, “Congratulations! You gain a level point!”, and at that point I could choose to either be faster at paperwork, or more witty with my dealings with my boss, or gain immediate knowledge, while at the same time being just a bit stronger and also suddenly not wanting food or sleep. Heck, by now I’d probably be like a level 30 Admin, and I’d be able to run my own friggin’ guild.
5. Multiple-Choice Conversations
I’m not going to say I’m socially inept, but sometimes…. I just don’t know what to say. Someone comes up to me and starts spilling their life story to me… what do I do? Too much of the time, I either use the word “Uh-huh” too much, or I blurt out slightly-related side stories of, “Oh yeah, that reminds me of what happened to a friend’s aunt one time…” So you can imagine the little bursts of joy I get when some gruff-looking stranger comes up to me on a video game and starts blurting out their life story, and I’ve got the choice of four – and ONLY four – responses, which I can examine for their potential benefits and consequences. It’s wonderful!
All right, I know cheats totally ruin a video game (unless it’s The Sims, then it’s necessary). But if you play video games, you know at one point you’ve been cornered or bored enough to use them. Now, I’m not really planning on filling my life with a bunch of murderous violence or anything, so I don’t think I really want invincibility. And, honestly, I don’t really want endless cash. Nor do I want extra lives (though I think I kind of already got one). But those little cheats… an extra $1000 here or there. A boost to all my vitals. An awesome sword. Yeah, I could really do with those!
Yes, that’s right — it’s not enough for me to be able to get little boosts throughout life… I want to be able to win the whole thing! Now, I’d like to point out that in video games, “Victory” does not usually mean the end… So I’m not talking about dying, having lived a happy life. I mean I could be 35 years old, and then BOOM – I win!! At whatever it is I’d been trying to do for a long time.